If you met me in the street or any social situation, you would see me as someone upbeat, friendly, strong, honest and warm. I know this because so many that I come across in the past, express this with me.
To many, I look like I hold it together. For the most part – or should I what I allow the public to see – this is far from true.
The saddest part about this? I know there are many others like me!
I have just found myself pottering around the small apartment (the one that I’m ashamed to let anybody see apart from my daughter) I try to call home. All around me are pieces of paper, notebooks & post-its notes filled with plans and ideas.
Yet instead of taking control and putting those plans and ideas into place, I have spent the last few hours crying.
In my eyes, I am nothing more than a failure.
A broken fool that has no chance of achieving my vision of success – to simply wake each morning feeling proud of who I am, what I stand for and being able to face life with the ability and self-confidence to tackle whatever comes my way!
Like others in the same situation (there are far too many like me), I know there are people out there that care for me and want to help. Yet I fear that even opening up in the slightest, they will see me the same way I see myself…
Many of you out there have a similar story and tragically join the suicide statistic. For those that are bordering on adding to that number, please know that I know how unbearable it can be.
If you are reading this and relate, you know that not all days are like this and there are some when we feel OK.
But we all know that feeling just OK every once in a while is enough to break anyone over time and if truth be told…
It’s destroyed me!
There is something that I want to share with you yet as I try, I find myself staring at the screen as the truth fucking kills.
Despite that I am still here because I couldn’t bear not being there for my daughter, the truth is that I still think regularly of how easier it would be if I took my own life!
As I said, I know there are a lot of others out there that feel the same way. So to you, know that I am there for you ANYTIME you need it!
We share the same burden, we know each other’s pain and with that, we have a responsibility to help others just like us.
Here’s the kicker though and the tough part that I am having trouble coming to terms with:
Until I begin opening up to others like me and those that care for me, letting them know how fucking broken I feel, I’ll never be able to begin picking up the pieces, take ownership of mammoth task of rebuilding myself and move forward towards the life that everyone deserves.
Along with opening up, I need to build routine into my life. The bulk of my daily life needs to become monotonous so that despite how low I feel, I do what needs to be done regardless and as such, brings about a sense of accomplishment each day. Then I can devote the rest of my time to help others.
I hate feeling like this which is why I pledge to help others like me as I know how much it fucking hurts each day just to get out of bed.
If you are reading this and can relate,
Reach out to me at email@example.com and let me listen!